Transformational Parenting

Babies and children do not come with manuals. You will find a host of resources in how to parent them, though! You’re probably familiar with the style termed attachment parenting. You may even practice it :o). But what about unattached parenting?

Take a moment to imagine this…

What if there were no books, no magazines, no friends, no mothers, no mother-in-laws (okay, let’s add in the fathers and father-in-laws, too), no grandmas, no neighbors, no spouses, no teachers, no coaches… simply no one to advise you on how to parent? From day one.

What would you do?

Would you be completely unattached to what others think and totally tuned into how you and your child think and feel?

Would you follow your heart? Would you follow a style of parenting that simply feels good instead of doing it solely to result in a specific society created outcome?

Sounds like you’d be an “unattached parent.”

Nice idea…Don’t feel like you have to wait for the picture in your imagination to be fully realized to embrace it!

Children share information with us in many ways. It may be through a subtle cue such as rooting or sucking on their fingers as a hungry little baby or it may be more obvious such as a growing child with limited language telling a story or a teenager slamming a door in our face!

One key to effectively communicating with our children is being open to receive the message they are relaying.

When parents are in the throws of life it can sometimes be a challenge to listen without judgment, yet it doesn’t have to be hard.

Taking a moment to be open to receive can be as simple as stopping what you are doing, making eye contact, turning your body to face your child, and taking a couple of deep breaths in as you let whatever worries or thoughts you have drop aside.

You can even pretend you are a mailbox peacefully awaiting the day’s delivery… simply open to receive.

When you are in that frame of mind how do you feel and how does it feel to listen to what your child is really saying, through the cue or story?

Gratitude Enhancer #4 - Universal

Anytime, anywhere, and for any situation. Gratitude works.  It can get the most irritated parent and child (since they often go together in one fashion or another) out of a funk.

I recall emailing back and forth with a woman about the subject of appreciation.  She wrote that she had days where she sat in her wheelchair, unable to care for herself, and all she could find to really be thankful for was a pretty flower on her bedspread.  Yet it was the beginning of her feeling better.  Once she started a gratitude roll in her mind the irritation began to dissipate and eventually left.

Now, a toddler feeling really upset may not be receptive to finding things to be thankful for, but you can.  And when you do you are choosing very consciously what you want your next moments to be like.  You can start by being thankful for expression of emotion.  It’s a powerful signal that allows for growth and change.

Gratitude is a tool worthy of sticking in the parenting tool box, for sure!  :o)

Spread it around.  Share. As children are growing parents often encourage them to say thank you when socially appropriate.  You might hear “what do you say?” after a child has received something, or you might not.  Some parents feel that it’s important that the thank you be genuine and come from the child when the child feels thankful.

Why do we say thank you?  In some aspects it is to follow social norms and show respect, but in a much larger sense it is to share gratitude.  We *feel* thankful and naturally want to spread the good feeling around!

Look for opportunities to express gratitude and elaborate on how you feel and that you enjoy *sharing* that feeling.

If your child doesn’t automatically say thank you in a situation you can tune into how thankful you feel for your child and ask him if he feels thankful.  He might say yes.  A discussion can follow about how it feels to share that feeling by letting someone know with a thanks or thank you!  Of course you can also say thank you for your child if you feel like you want to express that before he does :o).

Gratitude for others and what they do is beautiful to share - the good feeling can be passed around and around.

Gratitude Enhancer #2 ~ Love Your Body

Love your (and your child’s) body - all of it! Something we can take for granted is the body we inhabit.  It’s really easy since one can get caught up in the workings of the mind and what one can do with the body, yet it’s really fun to take some time to notice and appreciate each part.  Even the ones that might not be they way we’d like.

So consider playing a Love Your Body game:  Sit or stand across from or in a circle with your child(ren).  If your child is “too old” simply weave the game into a conversation - in bits and pieces if necessary.  Start by picking a part of your body that you love - point to where it is while you name it and describe its function.  Ask your child to pick a part and do the same while you help elaborate on why you both love its function.  Continue for as long as the game continues to be fun and cultivate thankfulness!

If you get to a part that isn’t the way you want it to be take a moment to find the gift that may be present (i.e. if you don’t have the perfect shape or you’re all stretched out you can attribute that to the beauty of growing babies).

Enjoy the feeling of really becoming one with your body and all its wonderful abilities!

Here’s a written exercise for parents: A Short Exercise in How to Love Your Body

Another pseudo series… this one is dedicated to increasing family gratitude. It feels good to be thankful!

Gratitude Enhancer #1

The daily meal enhanced with gratitude. Choose one meal per day to sit with your child and play a simple game of “I am thankful for…” You might start with who you’re thankful for or what you’re thankful for… each other, the food, the hands that prepared it, the table you eat on, the sunshine - or clouds - whatever! Ask each person to start their own gratitude roll and feel the gift of gratitude permeate your day.

When we take the time to notice what we appreciate on a regular basis we definitely see more of it :o).

Has someone ever gotten your goat?  Any parent can relate to the fact that children know exactly what pastures our goats graze in… and how to wrangle them into jumping around, quite easily.  (Also referred to as pushing buttons, getting under the skin, and any other semblance of child created irritation or annoyance).

At first it may seem like it’s the child’s issue and to some extent it does involve the child.  The child is experimenting with attention and energy and highly charged goats are definitely of interest.  Children are also looking for limits in the way of feeling.  It’s sort of like walking in a room with no lights or a blindfold - one must feel around to know where the walls, doors, and stairs are.  For a child, life is like that except that it doesn’t have to feel bad when a wall is bumped up against.  The unknown or questionable can be perceived as friendly instead of scary.

That depends on the wall, though.

Since your goat, buttons, and skin are all a part of you that means your child is providing you an awesome opportunity: to love your own goat, neutralize your own buttons, and empower your own skin.  (Notice I did not say thicken).

How does a parent go about doing this?  In the moment, realizing that any reaction you are having is yours.  It’s not that you aren’t justified in it, but you can cultivate change and love in yourself and your family through backing up a bit, taking a breath (or 10) and see what the situation is telling you.

Simply by choosing to be responsible for your own goats, buttons, and skin you will begin to react less and love more.  It all starts with you!

In this series I will highlight some really simple ways you can honor your child and yourself. When these facets of life are honored a good portion of “problems” will not ever make it to “problem” status.

Simple Way to Honor Yourself and Your Child #10

Trust.  Or commit to developing trust. When parents choose to consider the idea and feeling of trust rather than fearing what might happen, a portal opens.  It’s as if the offerer of unlimited possibilities comes out of the woodwork in wait for you to simply trust that an answer is available.

Possibly it’s an answer of how to handle a disagreement between yourself and your co-parent.  Maybe it’s an answer to a consistent lack of sleep or a short fuse with a child.  Trusting that the answer exists means it has a way to be received by you.  When we feel like we cannot believe in an answer we cannot see or grasp anything outside of our current thought or feeling.

In a broader sense, trust is looking at things in a different light.  Instead of believing that people are not trustworthy one can trust that people will be people.  Certain people may have certain habits or patterns but anyone can change and children certainly will change as they grow.

Trust also allows for a brighter light to shine.  Trust that you are just who you need to be right now (and the same goes for your child and partner), trust that what is happening in the world has great potential to give way for a more pleasant experience for all - starting with one’s inner experience.

How can you trust in yourself, your child, humanity, and the Universe?  Start with what you already trust and stretch a bit to widen your circle of trust.

Simple Way to Honor Yourself and Your Child #9

If it feels like you are forcing yourself or your child even in your thoughts, stop. There’s another way.  You may or may not be aware of the other way, but if you find that you are forcing any idea, thought, or action you can simply choose to stop.

Where does that leave you?  In a space of possibility.

It might happen like this.  Your child and you are getting ready to do something and your child isn’t as willing as you would like so you feel yourself starting to push the envelope.  Maybe your voice is raising or you are physically moving your child to do something.  In some people tension builds slowly and in others it comes on quick.

Take a deliberate breath and stop.  Feel your breath go in and follow it out.  What else do you have to do?  For a few moments you can break the cycle of force that is so prevalent in society … and the parent-child relationship.

When you do that you will open the door to possibility and transformation.  You can even ask the Universe for guidance yourself.  You don’t have to know everything in every moment, but what you need is available.  You just get to prepare and provide the space for it.

In this series I highlight some really simple ways you can honor your child and yourself. When these facets of life are honored a good portion of “problems” will not ever make it to “problem” status.

Apologize. Forgive. Love. The process of responsibility can feel and look many ways.  Some people feel like they say they’re sorry for everything and guilt still hangs with them.  Others feel like saying sorry comes across as fake unless someone tries to make up for what went “wrong.”  Regardless of where you stand you can look at the process in a new light at any time.

Parents and children alike can only do their best in any given moment.  If it could be any different, it would.  The process of responsibility exists for the purpose of growth and expansion within an individual and a relationship.

The first step is to acknowledge that you are sorry.  Start with saying it to yourself and your Source of Life (internally or out loud).  Then to your child or partner or other involved (if applicable).

The next step is a quick move to forgiveness to release the hold the bad feeling has on you and the other.  Anyone who says I’m sorry wants and deserves forgiveness, instantly. That includes you forgiving you.  Say it out loud and feel what forgiveness feels like: Freedom.

Next step, Love.  If the situation can be remedied, then make amends.  If it’s a matter of talking roughly to yourself or your child simply take a breath and adjust your tone.  You only have the moment you’re in and a promise to change later puts relief in a distant place not accessible right now.

Practice the process of responsibility with yourself and your children and watch tension and conflict melt away.